The Online Poker Player Vs A Resident from The Planet of the Apes
Surely at one time or another everyone has witnessed a group of bourgeois canines playing anthropomorphic poker on one or the other of Cassius Coolidge’s series of paintings. But the man’s whimsical imagination wasn’t quite as far removed from reality as one might like to think. Perhaps you believe that chips and chimps do not go well together and that it sounds like something out of a Douglas Adams book, but if you ever played online against someone who had a great-ape photo for his icon, don’t be so sure it was just the excellent players irritating sense of online humor – you just may have lost a few thousand or more to an actual primate. If you thought using a stick to crack a walnut or a skull was the best an ape could do, in this early twenty-first century, when the world is on the verge of a Technological Singularity (think what an “intelligence explosion” can do to PC and online games), you, man or woman, had better think again.
Primate Programming Inc has found that great apes (who share 97% of DNA with us) are competent IT specialists and are employed by PPI. They enter a training program and upon graduation perform their services with PPI’s clients while demanding very low wages. Somewhere down the line, it was discovered that these employees also can be taught to play poker showing a particular knack for no-limit Texas Hold’em.
They favor no-limit poker, PPI informs us, because of their proclivity for playful (or half-playful) displays of aggression. In other words, the apes are naturally great at aggressive bluffing. In no-limit games, a player has the possibility to bet all they have at any time – this requires risky, aggressive play and the ability to bluff.
The anonymity of online games helps. There is no way to identify a player as non-human and human players confess loosing thousands of dollars (to players later officially identified) when someone who played the early rounds with near to nothing and consistently displayed weak cards would suddenly “bet big,” have everyone call, and then – probably chattering with glee and typing with his/her toes – reveal aces.
Not coincidentally, the primate-payers were initially hired as computer programmers. They actually develop programs by themselves as a side line to playing poker. PPI has not yet revealed the content of these programs. Certainly, though, they could go for a career in professional online-poker playing. They don’t seem to want to pursue this career choice, however. When they leave the office, they are very apt to neglect all their training and go back to climbing fences and eating bananas. Even so, if they are paid regularly, given three squares a day and a boyfriend or girlfriend, David Sklansky and Ed Miller may have to update their No-limit Hold’em instruction books very soon.
There is ongoing investment of money and effort taking place in the research of these programmer apes. Norm McAuliffe, a Yale biology Phd and the scientist leading the discovery research team at Primate Poker Inc is now hiring profitable primate-players to play for cash in rotation shifts 24/7. Mr. McAulliffe is very much committed to his business model and plans to continue his work.
For more interesting poker content please visit Poker Pro Blog or Random Poker Thoughts
categories: online poker,poker,gambling,monkeys,animals,primates,games,recreation
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